i feel numb, why do they have to be so mean. to mock me so...so playfully to where the vulnerability lives. i do not attack you why do you crush me so?

my fear is there under your thumb, my fear is that...

you made me feel afraid of ending up just like that miserable and lonely, not surrounded by cats and hopefully not bitter, but maybe i will become a bitch with time, maybe i will quit fight just because i feel exhausted and just because hope run out, and i'm still here. still me, still odd, still unique and mostly emotionally unavailable. 

i thought now was better, you mend me, you make the worst and better of me rush and boile. i don't want to think about you not existing. i just want you by my side. i know you know that, this is just a mess but i can't help it.